


Of Bookshelves, Popcorn & Texts

by ivy_thalassa



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Nessian - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:27:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26086441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivy_thalassa/pseuds/ivy_thalassa
Summary: Angsty Nessian AUNesta and Cassian are in a good relationship until Cassian's phone lights up with the notification of a text from someone named Mor...
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 11
Kudos: 88





	1. Of bookshelves, popcorn & Texts

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Here's another oneshot AU for you!  
> Due to a lot of people begging on Tumblr, I have decided to make a second part but it might take a while.  
> ((Also if any of you read my fic Sand and Stardust, please take these one shots as an apology for not updating my fic recently and for the fact that I won't be able to update for a while))
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

_Ding!_

Nesta reached for her phone, only to find that it void of new notifications. 

Nesta scoffed at her own arrogance — had she really believed that someone would text _her_ at this time of the night, on a weekend?

The sound must have come from her boyfriend’s phone, which was lying face-down on the table. Said boyfriend was currently getting a cup of water from the kitchen. 

Nesta and Cassian had been dating for about a year now. They’d met about two years ago at a bookstore, when Cassian had seen Nesta attempting to reach for a book from a high shelf and had retrieved it for her. He’d flirted with her relentlessly for the next year and despite her cool demeanor, he’d eventually worn her down. Well, at least, that was the way they told the story — really, Nesta had been attracted to Cassian since the first time they met (I mean, handsome stranger in a bookshop what helps you? Is that not the dream?) but she had been reluctant to start dating due to her abusive ex. Cassian had patiently gotten to know her and let her take things slowly before officially starting to date.

“Hey,” Cassian said, startling Nesta out of her thoughts. He kissed her forehead, settled onto the couch and checked his phone for a few seconds before placing it back on the table, face-up this time. He wrapped an arm around Nesta’s shoulders and she placed her head in the crook of his neck as her hand pressed the button on the remote, unpausing the movie. 

The movie was a silly rom-com that Nesta would never in a million years admit to liking (although she didn’t hate it in the slightest) and Cassian would openly declare he adored (which people often thought was sarcasm as it didn’t match the stereotype they associated with muscular personal trainers like Cassian). 

The movie ended an hour later and Cassian got up to use the bathroom.

Nesta rolled her shoulders, stretched, and reached across the table for the half-empty bowl of popcorn. Just then, a _ding!_ resounded and Cassian’s screen lit up. 

Nesta hesitated. She had never been the type of girl to snoop through her boyfriend’s stuff. She would feel violated if Cassian tried to look through her messages and notifications and therefore accorded him the same respect. 

But the phone dinged again, twice, and it was right in Nesta’s line of sight… What if there was some type of emergency? 

She decided to just take one little glance at the screen and leave it alone if it was unimportant.

There were 3 texts, all from the same person — someone saved as Mor in his phone.

The messages said: 

> Hey Cass 
> 
> I had so much fun w u last week <3 
> 
> Wanna get drinks again soon?

Nesta quickly looked away. A million questions swirled around in her brain. Who was Mor? Was Nesta making too big a deal out of this? Maybe she was just a colleague or something? 

Yet a voice nagged, _If she’s just a colleague, why is she sending him hearts? Why is she calling him Cass?_

Nesta didn’t want to be the girl who accused her boyfriend of cheating without any reason, but she also didn’t want to be the stupid naive girl who trusted her boyfriend while he went behind her back.

Cassian was kind, funny, loving and loyal (well, she was slightly doubting that last one now). He was almost always smiling and took on the job of brightening up the room, even when he was having a tough day. It was only after you got to know him very well that he’d take down his walls and let you see the hurt, the pain, the anger, the sadness and the brokenness he usually hid. Nesta was the same and yet the opposite: she seemed cold and unfeeling, until she let you see past her mask to all the intense joy and pain she felt.

She and Cassian had opened up to each other over the course of their relationship. Recently, however, both of them had gotten extremely busy with work — which was why they’d decided to stay in and watch movies this weekend rather than spend time with their friends. 

The sofa shifted as Cassian plopped onto the couch. Nesta wondered if she should say anything and what exactly she could say that would make her sound like a mildly concerned, curious adult rather than a clingy, snooping girlfriend.

“Did you pick out another movie yet?” Cassian asked, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl.

His tone was so light and he seemed so carefree… Really, they were having such a nice evening. There was no need to ruin this with petty insecurities over a colleague or friend Cassian had caught up with once. 

Still, she looked at Cassian from the corner of her eye as he tapped his phone. He didn’t have a smile or anything as he replied to the text, which was probably a good sign — in fact he seemed rather bored, until he locked his phone and turned to her, at which point his face lit up. It was a phenomenon that never ceased to delight her, even now as she wondered whether it was an act. 

“How about Legally Blonde?” she suggested with a small smile. It was one of the movies they’d seen countless times even though they never told anybody else. At this point, they could mouth the words along with Reese Witherspoon if they wanted. “Or we could binge the new season of Umbrella Academy?”

“Wait, that already came out?” Cassian asked, sitting up straighter. 

“Yeah, a couple weeks ago, I think. Wanna watch it?”

“Yeah, let’s go with that one.”

As Nesta snuggled against his chest, surrounded by his warmth and listening to the sound of Cassian’s heartbeat as the episode began to play, she was almost able to forget about the notifications she’d seen.

Tuesday night, Nesta sat across the table from Cassian, eating the amazing Tortilla de patatas he’d made. Yes, not only did Cassian have muscles that made every man and woman green with envy and an infectious laugh, he could also cook, clean, do laundry and respect others — basically, he was the ideal man in every single way.

As if to remind her not to romanticize her boyfriend, Cassian’s phone, which he’d placed on the table next to Nesta’s, face-up in case either of them got a call from work, lit up. 

Nesta was suddenly reminded of the messages she’d seen on Saturday night, and turned her head to stare at the phone while taking a long sip of her red wine. 

It was another message from that person, Mor. 

Can’t wait to see u friday 😘

So he had decided to have drinks with her again. 

_Mor might not even be a woman_ , Nesta told herself. _Mor could be a nickname for lots of names. Mortimer. Morrison. Morty. Morgan._

The skeptical side of her scoffed, _first of all no one is named Mortimer or Morrison or Morty these days. Secondly, Morgan is also a female name — a fairly common one. There’s also Morgana, Morrigan, Morena, Mora,..._

She took another bite of her food, which was suddenly tasting a lot drier.

She was going to enjoy this dinner. So she forced herself to clear her thoughts and concentrate on what Cassian was saying about an article he’d read about electric cars.

Nesta wasn’t planning on stalking him or even seeing him on Friday. She really wasn’t. Sure, she knew he was having drinks with this ‘Mor’ person, but she had no idea when or where they were meeting. 

On her drive home from work, she stopped by the dry-cleaners to pick up a dress. As she parked her car, she noticed idly that the car parked in front of her had the same make and model as her boyfriend’s. Then she noticed the bumper stickers — one with the logo of Celestial Fitness, the gym where Cassian worked, and the other with a dove, his mother’s favorite animal — placed in the same exact location as on Cassian’s car. There was no doubt about it: this was most definitely his car. 

Still, Nesta tried to mind her own business. She dropped off the dress and was walking back to her car when she turned her head sideways to glance at the shop windows and stopped short.

Through the window of the small, chic restaurant, she saw Cassian and a gorgeous woman. Seriously, this woman could’ve been a model or even freaking Aphrodite — she had long blond hair that fell in loose waves, generous curves accentuated by an elegant yet sexy red dress (Cassian’s favorite color), and seemed to be the perfect height where she was still shorter than Cassian (who was 6’2”) but only by a couple inches due to her heels. The type of height that would make people say _aww, how cute_ , rather than, _wow, look at the height difference_. She probably wouldn’t even need to pull Cassian’s head down to kiss him.

Nesta told her feet to move, but somehow they refused. She had no idea when her feet had developed the ability to make decisions independently of her brain and decided to investigate that later. For now, she was preoccupied by Cassian and Mor’s expressions. They were both laughing and smiling — they looked so happy and delighted and carefree. When was the last time she’d seen Cassian look so unapologetically genuinely joyful? Nesta realizes with a pang that she couldn’t remember. He never laughed like that with her. 

Even if he and Mor were really just friends, Nesta would still be jealous, she realized sadly. Nesta did not bring out the happy side of Cassian. It was a fact that other people had remarked upon early in their relationship. Cassian had told her that _of course_ that wasn’t true, that just being with her made him so incredibly happy — and yet he never laughed so boundlessly with her. Was it her fault? Maybe he felt like he needed to be on eggshells around her in order to make sure he didn’t make her angry or sad or lonely or insecure. 

_Stop being a creepy stalker clingy girlfriend and leave,_ Nesta told herself. 

Just then, Mor leaned over, put one hand on his arm and the other on his shoulder, and kissed Cassian’s cheek. She returned to her original position, but kept one hand firmly on Cassian’s upper arm — on his prominent biceps. They continued talking and Cassian made no attempt to remove Mor’s hand. 

Nesta felt her stomach drop and she rushed back to her car.

The next evening, Nesta and Cassian met up at a café near the bookstore where they’d met. It was where they’d had their first date — perhaps it was fitting that they’d have their last date there, too. 

Cassian began talking about something but Nesta couldn’t focus. All she could think about was Cassian’s smile and Mor’s hand. 

Suddenly, she couldn’t take it anymore. As if ripping off a bandaid, she blurted, “What did you do last night?” 

She half-expected him to answer “Mor”, although she really, really didn’t want him to.

Instead, Cassian replied, “Oh, I just met up with a friend,” with a small shrug. He took a sip of his coffee.

Nesta nodded. “Did you sleep with her?”

Cassian made a choking noise. After coughing a few times, he cried hoarsely, “What?”

Part of her felt ridiculous, and yet she just had to know. She couldn’t keep ignoring her doubts and staying up at night wondering if her boyfriend, the freaking love of her life, was cheating on her. She rephrased her sentence as another question appeared in her mind. “Did you ever sleep with her? Mor?”

Cassian’s face looked so surprised that in other circumstances, she would have laughed. Cassian blinked a couple times, as if checking that he wasn’t dreaming, and then opened his mouth — and closed it again. He then opened it once more and said hesitantly, “I…”

Nesta felt like she’d been punched in the gut – no, like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and squeezed like a stress ball. “Oh.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Cassian rapidly implored, “It was a _long_ time ago, way before I even met you. Now she’s just a friend-”

Nesta couldn’t bear to listen to him try to find excuses. “It’s ok, I get it,” she interrupted, her voice dangerously quiet. 

Nesta realized, much to her embarrassment, that her eyes had filled with tears that threatened to spill over at any time. She glared at the floor, willing the water to recede, but it disobeyed her. 

“Nesta?” Cassian’s voice seemed very concerned. It was most likely because Nesta was hiding her face, meaning she was hiding her emotions from Cassian, something she hadn’t done since the start of their relationship. Cassian had done everything he could to make sure Nesta felt that she could trust him and that she could feel safe around him. He needed her to know that he wouldn’t get mad at her for displaying her emotions, until her abusive ex. 

There was no reason for Nesta to hide her face, unless she’d been extremely hurt by Cassian and felt he’d broken her trust. 

Cassian’s voice was soft as he said, “Hey. Look at me.”

Nesta debated whether or not to do so. In the end, she decided that no matter what had happened with Mor, she owed Cassian this much. He was still the man to whom she’d given her heart, body and soul. She had shown him the most vulnerable part of herself, and he’d hugged her tight, promising that he didn’t mind if the jagged broken pieces of herself occasionally scratched him. It was not just for his sake, but also for her own — this relationship had been important, at least to her, and she owed it to whatever bond she had believed existed between them to end this in the way that it deserved instead of succumbing to her cowardice.

She lifted her face and met his eyes. Large warm tears were rolling down her face.

“Nes-”

“I love you,” she choked out, “I love you so, so much and I don’t know why- what she had that I don’t have but-”

Cassian interrupted her in an alarmed voice. “No, Nesta, please, she’s just a friend. I lov-”

Nesta raised her left hand, telling him to stop talking. 

“I don’t know why,” she repeated, “but I know that I haven’t seen you laugh like that in too long. When we first started dating, everyone said I trapped you and I bogged you down. Hell, even my own sister told me that. I never thought I’d believe that— I didn’t _want_ to believe that but… I see it now. She makes you happy. And more than anything, I want you to be happy, Cassian. That’s why,” Nesta gulped. “That’s why I’m letting you go”

“No, Nesta-” Cassian implored.

At the sound of his voice, all her attempts to stay even slightly composed melted. Tears seemed to stream down her face even faster as she let out a huge sob. Covering her mouth with her hand, she ran out the door of the café into the night. 


	2. Of Cell phones, Couches & Cafés

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the much asked for part 2! Hope you enjoy :)

_Drrrring!_

Her phone rang for the fifth time that night. 

Pressing the ‘DECLINE’ button again, Nesta walked over to her bathroom.

Cassian had always been the perfect boyfriend. He was kind to everyone and always had a smile to brighten up people’s bad days. He was jovial in public but was sweet and caring and open in private. He respected Nesta’s wishes about limited PDA despite his own lack of embarrassment in that regard. He always listened to what Nesta had to say. He let her set the pace and helped her overcome her fears in order to slowly open up to him. When she showed him the bruises on her soul where life had struck her down, he simply kissed her wounds and told her that now he would be there to catch her. In return, he had dropped his ever-cheerful mask and showed her his scars and vulnerabilities that cut deeper than he would ever admit. He let her see the darkness, the pain, and the loneliness inside him. She’d threaded his fingers with hers and told him that even though she couldn’t promise to the light in his dark, she would always be by his side and that he wouldn’t have to face the darkness alone. 

Perhaps that had been the problem. Their relationship was everything Nesta could’ve ever dreamt of and more — far more than she deserved. Even though she’d brushed off the incredulous looks and hurtful words (“Why would you want to date _her_ ?” “Don’t let her drag you down” “It’s just that… Cassian is so _happy_ and you’re so… _not_ ”) said by their friends and even her own sister, maybe they’d stuck more than she had intended. 

Maybe their separation had been a long time coming. Those texts from Mor, the stunning blond woman she’d seen him having drinks with, had only been the straw that broke the camel’s back. It wasn’t about how beautiful Mor was or all those heart emojis she’d send or how she’d run her hand along Cassian’s arm like he belonged to her (not that Cassian belonged to anyone but himself). It was the way Cassian had smiled and then thrown his head back to laugh, his shoulders vibrating with the sound, as if he was overflowing with mirth and joy. He never looked like that with her. 

_Ding!_

Another text from Cassian lit up her phone. Ignoring it, she observed her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were puffy, tired, and red-rimmed due to all her crying. Her cheeks looked hollow, her skin sullen, and her eyes had lost the sparkled they’d maintained for the past year while she was with Cassian.

_Ding!_

She grabbed her phone and made her way to her couch, fighting down the nonsensical urge to throw or break the device. 

She plopped down onto her couch, her head resting on one armrest and her feet on the other, and covered herself with the quilt Cassian left there for when they watched movies together in her apartment. Suddenly hit by another overwhelming wave of emotion, Nesta grabbed a cushion and hugged it tight, The top of the cushion pressed against her mouth and she let out a frustrated scream. 

She shut her eyes. She wanted to forget to relax… but no, she’d done too much work to ever fall back into using drinking as a coping mechanism. She’d never been an alcoholic exactly, but after her breakup with her abusive ex, it had become a dangerously familiar crutch. After her mother had passed away and most of their savings had been lost due to the stock market taking a turn for the worse, her own father had fallen deep into alcoholism and then gambling. It was a road Nesta was adamant never to follow. 

So instead, she sighed, opened her eyes and unlocked her phone. 

Everything in her screamed _THIS IS A BAD IDEA NESTA_ , but Nesta never knew which voices in her head she could trust — after all, some voices had told her that the emotional and occasionally physical abuse Tomas had sent her way had been justifiable and that it had been her fault. Other voices kept telling her to push her sisters away for their benefit, that her friends only pretended to care for her and that she was just a burden to everyone she knew — that she was just a waste of oxygen and space. She made it her job to ignore those voices, but those voices were indistinguishable from the others.

She checked her texts. The first one was sent 7 minutes after she’d left the café, presumably after he’d tried to chase after her to no avail and then attempted to call her (which she had not picked up).

> Please come back ** _\- 8:15 pm_**
> 
> I can explain everything. _**\- 8:20 pm**_
> 
> Seriously, it isn’t what it looks like _**\- 8:23 pm**_
> 
> Fuck, I know that sentence is an overused cliché but I’m serious _**\- 8:23 pm**_
> 
> There’s nothing going on between me and Mor. We’re just friends. _**\- 8:23 pm**_
> 
> OK idk if that also sounded like an overused cliché?? But Nesta I swear it’s true _**\- 8:23 pm**_
> 
> Can you please pick up? I just need to explain everything. _**\- 8:26 pm**_
> 
> Ok, if you’re driving home I don’t want you to get hurt so I’ll wait till you get home to call you again and I also will wait to text you bc I don’t want you to die but please answer me ASAP _**\- 8:28 pm**_
> 
> Nesta r u home yet? _**\- 8:46 pm**_
> 
> Please answer the phone. We need to talk. _**\- 8:51 pm**_
> 
> Ok fine I guess I’ll stop calling for now then. _**\- 8:54 pm**_
> 
> I hope you’re doing ok. If you aren’t checking your phone tonight for your mental health i get that but please call me in the morning. _**\- 8:56 pm**_
> 
> I’m going to write it all here so that you can read it whenever u want _**\- 8:57 pm**_
> 
> Mor and I have been friends since we were kids. She’s Rhys’ second cousin and we met through him. _**\- 8:59 pm**_
> 
> Her parents were pretty conservative unlike Rhys’. They wanted her to stay a virgin until marriage and set her up with some rich white Christian family friend’s son, who they wanted her to marry and have five kids with. Mor dated him for a while but then they broke up. Her parents decided to agree to let her go to college to find a ‘good man to settle down with’. _ **\- 9:03 pm**_
> 
> Unfortunately, her parents found another man who they’d secretly arranged for her to marry. They would let her go to college, but only if Mor got married in the winter holiday in the first semester of college. I had a pretty obvious crush on Mor at the end of high school, so she asked me if we could sleep together as a one night stand / friends with benefits kind of thing just during that one summer, which I agreed to. _**\- 9:05 pm**_
> 
> Right after leaving for college, Mor told her parents that she was no longer a virgin. She knew her parents would still try to get her to marry the man they’d picked for her, so she told the man’s parents as well. The wedding arrangements fell through like she’d planned. Her parents were furious and threatened to bring her home from college, but she got in on a scholarship, so there was nothing they could do. _**\- 9:06 pm**_
> 
> We slept together a total of five times over the course of that summer and we’ve never even kissed since _**\- 9:06 pm**_
> 
> I got over my crush on her as soon as we went to college. _**\- 9:06 pm**_
> 
> I met up with Rhys, Az, Feyre and Mor dinner like a week or two ago and we decided that we should get drinks together to catch up since we hadn’t hung out just the 2 of us in a while _ **\- 9:07 pm**_
> 
> It was 100% platonic. _**\- 9:07 pm**_
> 
> Also btw Mor isn’t really that interested in men. _**\- 9:07 pm**_
> 
> I mean sorta but not really _**\- 9:07 pm**_
> 
> She’s openly bisexual homoromantic _**\- 9:07 pm**_
> 
> Aka she doesn’t romantically like men _ **\- 9:08 pm**_
> 
> Ok sry if this got a bit off topic. _**\- 9:08 pm**_
> 
> I just want you to know that I love you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before — not Mor, not any of my exes, not even any of my friends _**\- 9:09 pm**_
> 
> Good night sweetheart <3 **_\- 9:10 pm_**

Nesta groaned and shut her eyes. Cassian didn’t understand that it wasn’t about whether or not he had been cheating on her with Mor. After reading his explanation, Nesta could (grudgingly) accept that Cassian probably hadn’t been unfaithful. Part of her still couldn’t believe that, but that part had more to do with her own insecurity than with him. 

It wasn’t about cheating or even whether Cassian had feelings for Mor. It was about the fact that Nesta didn’t make Cassian happy, while other people clearly did. 

* * *

Nesta’s eyes opened as she heard the sound of a phone ringing.

She blinked a couple times groggily, and then reached out an arm for Cassian — and then recalled last night’s events and realized that she had fallen asleep on her couch.

The phone rang again. 

She dung around the quilt and the couch, searching for her phone. Once she located it, she clicked ACCEPT and brought the device to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Nesta?” It was Cassian’s voice but he sounded worried and stressed and maybe slightly relieved. “Hey, are you ok?”

“Hmm?” Nesta rubbed her eyes. 

“Are you- are you safe?”

“Yeah,” she replied, sitting up. 

“Can we talk?” His voice was still tired, concerned and stressed and was so different from his usual cheerful or sweet tone. It made Nesta’s heart pang as she remembered that these were the emotions she brought out in him. 

She gulped. “Um, yeah, I guess…”

She could physically feel Cassian hesitate and debate something on the other end of the line. “Any ch- Um. Could we meet up in person?” 

Why was Cassian stumbling over his words? Was he nervous? Fuck, was he scared of her? What if she was no better than Tomas? What if all this time, she thought that Cassian was catering to her needs, but he was actually too scared to say no to her?

“Okay,” she replied softly. She didn’t want to meet up but she figured she owed him this much. Maybe he needed the closure he’d get by facing her one last time.

“Great.” He seemed relieved. “Can we meet at the café at noon?” 

Nesta checked the time and nodded. Then, remembering he couldn’t see her, she voiced her assent.

“Okay,” Cassian said quietly. “See you then.”

“Yeah.”

* * *

She arrived at the table where Cassian was already sitting even though she’d made sure to arrive exactly on time and Cassian was almost always 5 minutes late. 

He smiled at her somewhat awkwardly and she swallowed as she remembered that they wouldn’t share a quick kiss on the forehead or cheek in greeting anymore. 

“Hey,” she said, biting her lip.

“Hi.” He rubbed the back of his neck. 

Unsure what to do, she asked, “How are you?”

Cassian snorted quietly and raised one eyebrow. “How do you think I am?”

Right. That was a stupid question. She shouldn’t have asked that. Of course he was unhappy and worried about how she’d react to him and stressed out because of her. 

Nesta’s eyes dropped to the floor. Cassian cleared his throat and revised his answer. “I’ve had better days,” he said.

A tense silence filled the air. 

“Um,” Nesta began, wanting to stop feeling so uncomfortable, “about last night, I r-”

Cassian held up a hand, palm towards her, in a gesture that told her to stop talking. 

“Can I please explain?” Cassian asked.

Nesta nodded, then added, “By the way, I did read your texts, so, um, yeah.”

“So you understand that there’s nothing going on between me and Mor, right?”

“I… yeah, but-”

“You don’t believe me? Please, Nes, I swear I wouldn’t. I’ve never cheated on anyone, ever. Why would I start when I’m with the woman I love more than anything?” 

“Cassian, I do believe you.” Nesta’s eyes shifted across his face. “And I’m sorry for accusing you of cheating b-”

“No,” Cassian interrupted. “I’m sorry for ever giving you a reason to doubt me. I should have told you about Mor and I should’ve made sure Mor knew about boundaries. She’s just naturally affectionate with everyone, it doesn’t mean anything, but I should’ve considered how you’d feel. I’m sorry.”

Instead of making her feel better, his apology just made everything worse. He was apologizing for interacting with his friend in the way they’d done since childhood. Was she really so controlling that she needed to censure his friendships? 

She took a deep breath and gathered some courage. “Cassian, it’s ok. I do wish you’d told me about Mor, but it’s alright. I don’t mind if she’s affectionate or whatever.”

_Affectionate and beautiful and warm and funny and kind in the way that the woman you love should be — in the way I’m not._

A small smile started to spread across Cassian’s face. She hated to crush his spirits but she needed to make sure he understood and that she would stop hurting him.

“It’s not about that, Cassian. It’s the fact that she makes you happy in ways that I just don’t.”

His brow furrowed. “That’s not-”

“Please let me finish. I promise I won’t run away this time and I’ll let you talk, too. I just need to explain this.”

Cassian nodded slowly.

“I saw you and Mor, drinking together, and laughing together. And yeah, I was a little mad about the physical proximity between you too, but after hearing your story and all, I get it. It’s fine. That’s not what the problem is. The problem is that I don’t make you happy. I don’t make you smile or laugh like that. I don’t mean that in a jealous way — it’s not about Mor. It’s about how I drag you down.”

Cassian was adamantly shaking his head, though he remained silent. 

“I’m not the only one that thinks so,” Nesta continued, willing herself to stay collected. “I don’t know if you noticed or even remember, but all of your friends and even my friends and my sister were worried this would happen — that I’d stress you out and take away your laughter and joy. I ignored them and thought they were wrong out of my own pride but it wasn’t until I saw you with Mor that I realized how long it’s been since I’ve seen you laugh like that, even with your closest friends.” Nesta pressed her lips together, wondering if she should voice all her concerns. _Fuck it. Just go for it. This is the end, anyway._ “Then I started thinking and realized that I’m usually the one making decisions and that I always display my emotions too strongly and that you have to walk on eggshells to try to avoid setting me off. I didn’t even notice but I’m controlling you and making you afraid to be yourself and being like my ex— exactly who I didn’t ever want to become and— I’m so sorry. I… I don’t want to keep hurting you. I want you to be happy.”

Nesta forced herself to meet Cassian’s eyes.

“Can I talk now?”

Nesta nodded. 

“Okay.” He took a deep breath, as if assessing where to start. “First of all, you are nothing like your ex, Nesta.”

She opened her mouth to protest— and closed it again as Cassian raised an eyebrow.

He continued talking. “I don’t mean because you never physically hurt me. I mean that I never, ever, was afraid of ‘setting you off’ like you said. I never felt like I had to walk on eggshells or pretend to feel anything I wasn’t feeling or relinquish power or control. In fact, it’s the opposite. I was glad you trusted me enough to openly share your feelings with me — to cry or rant or throw pillows at the wall. I know that you feel everything strongly, and that one of the things I love about you. I was grateful that you felt close enough to me that you didn’t worry about toning down your feelings to suit some crappy rule made by society about how you’re supposed to feel.” 

He ran a hand through his hair. “Secondly, I don’t give a shit what anyone says. They don’t know you the way I know you, and frankly, they don’t know me if they think I’m better off without you. I know you think that I haven’t been as smiley or happy when I’m out with other people and that it’s because you stress me out or drag me down or whatever. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Nes, you helped me gain the courage to start peeling off my happy mask in front of other people. You’ve shown me that I can be more than just the cheerful funny friend — that it’s ok for me to display real emotion. You’ve helped me build up real courage and strength and self-confidence — not the fake kind I used to display before with crappy jokes about my body but the real kind, where I’m ok with who I am. I don’t need to feel guilty for being sad or angry sometimes.” He glanced at her lip. “You can talk now if you want.”

“Cassian, I know we helped each other open up, but that’s not what I mean. In general, you’ve been more stressed and worried.”

“Because I’m anxious a lot of the time, Nesta. You just help me show it instead of hiding it deep down and pretending like I’m fine.”

She murmured, “But don’t you think you should find someone that makes you happy? Someone that makes you actually feel okay and that lets you stay as your joyful regular self but instead of it being a facade, it’ll be real?”

Cassian shifted. “Let me explain something to you. No matter how happy I am, that facade will never be real, because that’s just not how I express my joy. Yes, I do like to make jokes and smile and laugh, but not 24/7. I don’t want to be the one who has to crack a joke when everyone is feeling sad just to get them to smile — I want to cry, too. You helped me take off the mask — you make me feel alive. For the first time ever, I feel like I can breathe.” His eyes glistened. “Nesta, it’s not your job to make me happy. That’s up to me. But for what it’s worth, being with you does make me happy. More than that: it makes me feel content and fulfilled and at peace with everything, including myself. Even just waking up besides you makes my heart want to burst with love and joy — in the good romantic way, not the heart attack way. Nesta, you’re helping me become the version of myself I’m happiest with. If people can’t understand that, that’s on them. But I need you to understand it. Because I love you and your love has never hurt me. You’ve never tried to change me; instead, you helped me become myself. You helped me learn to be myself and love myself so Nesta, please, please understand that your love is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Tears rolled down Cassian’s cheeks. 

Nesta was surprised to find that one of his tears had somehow flicked onto her own cheek— then she realized that she, too, was crying. 

“I just- I love you,” she said, fighting down a sob. “I want you to be- to be happy. I don’t want you to regret anything or resent me or stay with me out of obligation, or- or-”

“I promise I’m only staying with you because I love you and other completely selfish reasons,” he replied. Then he gave her a smile — one completely different from the one he’d given Mor. This smile lacked that mirth. Instead, it was soft and genuine and loving and appreciative. It was like threading their fingers together when walking down the street or gazing at each other when they woke up together after a night of passion or the kind of hug that scooped all the sadness out of your soul and replaced it with comfort. 

And then Nesta smiled back. She didn’t care what it looked like — if her imperfectly aligned teeth were showing, if it made her eyes look smaller, if it would cause wrinkles when she was older. She just let the joy and affection and overflowing love mold itself into her smile. And then she felt content for so many reasons — because Cassian loved her, because she loved him too, because she was so happy, and because she wasn’t even scared to express it. 

Something like awe flitted across Cassian’s face. Then, he leaned across the table, just as he had done on their first date in this very same café, and kissed her. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments / kudos to let me know what you think! (I thrive on feedback)
> 
> Come talk to me on my Tumblr (@sayosdreams) - you can also send me prompts or fic requests there :)

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you thought!  
> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Come talk to me on my Tumblr (@sayosdreams)


End file.
